A Very British Lockdown – Part 3 – Take a look at yourself in the mirror!

Good day, readers! Onein300 here, fighting through the lockdown and worldwide madness.

My apologies for having the sheer and total outrageous audacity for having taken an apparent unauthorised leave of absence from my blog.

Do not fear! I have not been abducted by aliens from a planet full of lustful females intent on having their way with me. However, I do still do live in hope!

All of us have been having highs and lows during this pandemic imposed exile.

A recent low point in the onein300 household was sparked by observation of that little itsy-bitsy floating ball that indicates the water level in our filter coffee maker was stuck. Obsessive, me? No! Things need to be just right, readers, ok so…

Realising that we had never ever descaled this machine, I spiced up the day, and the week, with an exciting descaling exercise. Putting 25g of nuclear grade chemical into the reservoir along with some water, we watched in awe, wonder and with slightly twitchy and smarting eyes as the little ball was freed from the evil grime!

Days blur into nights, and week days blur into weekends. I now have to rely on my pill boxes to remind me of the day.

It is a Thursday!

We even take comfort in finding untapped knowledge in the new schedules and routines we have had thrust upon us.

Take for example film or movie watching. 

Jean and I have now surgically analysed the perfect movie length. It is precisely 1 hour 50 minutes. 1 minute longer, and it’s snore time, 1 minute less and it’s too short or a shit film!

This very insight would not have been discovered if not for the virus, folks. But seriously, aren’t some movies just too long? And why is it easier to watch 6 one hour episodes of a box set than a 3 hour film?!

Jean has acquired majorly green fingers during lockdown, and now project greenhouse is underway! It can’t happen soon enough in my view, as the kitchen is now overgrown with mini cucumbers! It’s often just me and the vegetables!

Home produced veg are coming now at a rate of knots from the garden. Who knows, I might become a vegetarian. Mind you, a wild animal has been eating some so I will have to shoot it before becoming a full veggie!

Like many of you I have been looking at a computer screen a lot during the pandemic often using Zoom to communicate with friends and attend meetings.

It is a truly wonderful invention, as my crap voice can be enhanced with hand signals (abbreviated or full), and facial expressions. I do not eat anything before using Zoom as choking and coughing does occur if I try to speak during. But I do park a packet of Jaffa cakes behind my iPad for after the call! I am fortunate after 6 years with MND to still be talking. I have actually banked my voice, which I completed over 5 years ago now. If you are affected by MND please consider banking your voice as soon as possible after diagnosis as any deterioration might be sadly preserved in a synthesised voice! As an aside, in the 5 years since I banked my voice, technology has moved on and I am currently reviewing the solutions in the marketplace. Watch this space as I will be re-writing my guide and the post – Even if you don’t have a voice like Richard Burton bank it ASAP

Hoping that we are near the tail end of this lockdown, we were both delighted to see that hairdressers were opening on July 4th.

Jean, and I were on the phone like a shot to get in the queue. Being that as we have spent the income of a small third world state on hair styling with our hairdressers in the past, I thought we would be contacted immediately. But, no! We had to call back!

Don’t they know who I am?!

I was absolutely certain we were their very “top” customers after we were given first dip in their Roses and Quality Street sweetie tins at Christmas!

On the subject of hair, Jean does keep a very good eye on me. Just the other day she noticed a stray hair emanating from my nose! Not a nasal one folks, but one on my nose surface protruding up to the sky and beyond!

Whilst relaxing in the garden, Jean leant over and pulled it out with her thumb and forefinger! Once I had scrambled back into the garden chair, Onein300 was actually thankful as one had started to believe our TV was developing a hair line crack in the screen!

Being a stickler for standards and keeping up appearances, one thing I noticed during early video Zoom calls was that my image appeared mirrored. Like the people who persistently record video using mobile phones in “portrait” view, such niggly things really annoy me. They make me twitch with anger! It’s the anal in me! So, making the best of a bad thing, I thought, I’d wear this shirt to a recent Zoom call.

Only to discover my image is actually presented the right way round for attendees! Ooops.

Anyway, the shirt has been discarded and I only have one attendee left to apologise and grovel to. Although she hasn’t answered my call yet! I think I am being shunned or ‘cancelled’ as they say now in social media land!

Must go readers, but before I do, some of you have asked what’s Lord Bragg been up to lately? Well, he has been growing genetically modified vegetables in lockdown and is thinking of starting a new business. He’s coming over later with some of his new mushrooms. He says I can make a nice carrot soup from them, apparently!

What a guy!

Back soon readers, with hopefully my first post-apocalypse, sorry, post lockdown normal life scrawl. Until then, keep an eye, or two, on yourselves in the mirror!

I really do have to go now as a space craft has landed in our garden and a couple of ladies, I think, are staggering towards our back door! No it’s only the locals! Phew.