Yes, life, life, life! Everyday brings dangers. This week a mixture of stories from the past and recent goings-on!
“eating up the path like a piece of lightning!”
Get out of my way! I rule! This new lease of life with my travelscoot has gone to my head!
Shopping the other day in a food superstore with Jean I roamed around freely. I have a little integrated basket so I can actually be helpful in addition to being a highly trusted advisor on foodstuffs and planning complex meals.
After a very brisk shop, we arrived at the checkout whereupon Jean suddenly exhorted…
“Damm, I forgot that extra bottle of tonic water!”
“HOLY COLD BEVERAGES BATMAN!!! NO PROBLEM, CAT WOMAN!” I responded!
Off I shot at 3.7mph, which is fast in an enclosed space I can tell you! Speeding down aisle after aisle, with my menacing looks and hand-brake turns, I soon located that extra bottle of muscle relaxing refreshment. Loaded up, I spun around and returned in a mere blink of an eye. And like any electric vehicle, I was totally silent, so there always is a risk of a giant smash with an unexpecting shopper (note to electric car manufacturers – add a V8 soundtrack for safety).
“Here we are BAT GIRL, one additional bottle of slimline tonic water. By the way darling, I think wearing our bedroom gear is not appropriate in the supermarket, at least not in Morrison’s. We could probably get away with it in Waitrose though!”
‘Thanks Darling, ……. err but we also forgot some Gin!”
Nanananananananana Batman!! Off I go again! Crash whollop/smash, “Sorry Mrs Jones!” But you really should look where you are going with that treble children’s buggy! Mothers today!! So dangerous!
Whilst I am on the subject of mothers. I am totally against mother and child parking spots in car parks! Sorry I mean parent and child spots to be totally PC! What exactly is the rule if all disabled spots are full and there are parent and child spots free? Well I use these spaces with my blue badge. I will not debate this further. I am right! Parent and child parking spaces are totally and utterly ridiculous. Do what we did when we were young, park away from the crowds and get your buggies out there. Or use contraception!
I have been granted an access all areas at M&S, including the lingerie area, which as you know is a dangerous area for us mobility challenged!
I am now part of an elite intimate underground group, whose mission it is to race around lingerie departments undetected in scooters. I forgot my darn balaclava, so I might have been spotted!
Here I am just entering Gusset corner (note my excellent racing line), just prior to Suspenders chicane and a rather nasty incident at Firm Control straight.
Talking about shops and disasters, I have a ‘”my Dad” story again! I have such a rich vein of family calamities!
Probably the most notorious weekend in onein400 family holiday history was on a trip to Center Parcs.
I assume you are aware of the Dutch founded holiday parks themed around a forest experience. There are several in the UK and all around Europe.
The company has a no on-site driving rule, and cars must be stored in a car park. During your stay, visitors must walk or cycle. To be honest, if one of the intentions is safety, it fails immensely. The complete myth that cycling is safer than driving, especially when the majority of the public have zero aptitude, skill or actual qualification to cycle means that I have seen some pretty nasty and messy cycle accidents there! You know I am right readers! Ok, it’s better for the environment but not for gushing grazes and screaming children!
It was a weekend never to be forgotten. Bearing in mind that all the grandparents were 70 plus, brace yourself for a story that could easily be turned into a movie!
Day 1 – Jean’s Mum breaks wrist falling from bike!
Day 2 – My Dad touches a glass ornament in the gift shop which proceeds to fall through 4 layers of glass shelves taking every item with it!
Day 3 – And finally Jean’s Dad provided us with the pièce de résistance of the weekend. I warn you, this is really not for the faint hearted. Please skip the next few paragraphs if at all squeamish.
At the centre of every Center Parcs is a giant swimming pool with a water rapids ride. This is not something I would attempt now as my legs float just that bit too easy! However, on this day it was a very calm journey for me. The ride is comprised of 5 or 6 slopes of water that end up in beautiful swirling pools, one after the other. For some reason Jean’s Dad, who was 70 at the time, wanted to have a go. So we accompanied him down the slides and pools. It was a complete and utter mess. After narrowly avoiding drowning in each of the first 3 sections, we ended up in the mid pool, and Jean’s Dad came up for air, and declared (in a rather gummy voice)
“That was great!”
Jean looking at him in total dismay and shock, yelled
“Your teeth!! They’ve gone!”
He had lost his false teeth in the water!!!! Jean went into mental mode, and swam down to the end demanding the rapids be turned off. Of course, the nice man explained she was out of her mind. However, before any further intervention was needed, a fellow rapids rider, a nice lady, swam up to Jean calmly saying
“Has your Dad lost these?” presenting us with his pearly whites, which he proceeded to shove into his gob immediately!
The poor lady! We apologised for the horror she must have gone through, whereupon she told us
“Oh that’s fine, I’m used to it, I’m a dental nurse!”
Back in onein400 land, I received a letter confirming my new blue badge application had been accepted and it was ready for pick up!! Woo hoo. On the positive side, it is 3 years since I got my first one, so I am very lucky to have survived this long. I am now fully badged up until post Brexit! What could possibly go wrong? Sorry, touched on politics there readers!
Like everything about being disabled, it pays to be ahead of the game. Anyone needing to renew their badge, must apply about 6 to 8 weeks in advance. It can take a while. For fraud prevention reasons I have to pick it up myself from the local library, which is good, as long as there is no obstacle course involved! Humm, I shouldn’t joke, there might be. I bet it’s upstairs!
Last Sunday we went out to Old Portsmouth. I’d thought we’d get the best of the day’s weather before it turned wet and windy. Jeesh, what a mistake! I took the travelscoot, and the whole area I forgot, was cobbled! There are far easier ways to rupture your kidneys and look like a blithering idiot I can tell you! Anyway, it rained cats and dogs and we were forced to abandon. I do hate Sundays! Now that is a subject for another post!
Recently in the UK the BBC Entrepreneur program Dragon’s Den returned. You know the sort of thing, business ideas are presented to a straight talking bunch of multi millionaires and they decide whether to invest or not in the proposer.
A rival programme, Bragg’s Pad, has failed to get the ratings, and was taken off air after Hank Bragg. (Country singer turned business guru and founder of Bragg’s made from 120% denim range) was disgraced after inappropriate comments to a lady inventor!
He had previously invested in Lord Bragg’s new disability aid, the “Bragg’s Walking Balance Assistance Pole“, here demonstrated by myself.
Bragg’s Walking Balance Assistance Pole – Village and small town shopping area Edition – every pole comes with injury insurance!
With his removal from the show, we will hear no more of his investments!
Actually, although I joke about the balancing pole it does remind me of another true story! Many years ago, when we were young, we went to Greece on holiday with friends. Whilst there we purchased some cheap parasols for the beach, rather than rent daily. At the end of the holiday we took them back home on the plane. When we picked them up, my friend Richard placed them neatly on an airport trolley across the base, width wise, with the ends sticking out beyond the sides! I will leave the precise scene to your imagination. Our other bags were placed on top and Richard then pushed through customs etc. The lady Richard took out didn’t stand a ghost of a chance and hit the ground! If you reading this, it was not me, it was Richard!
Finally, with this insidious disease it’s easy to put down any health symptom to it. However, I don’t wish to be taken down by the most common issue to hit men of my age, and that is heart issues. They can be silent, and although I used to be hyperfit, who knows what state my heart is in now? So I have booked a well man clinic. You the sort of thing, blood pressure checked etc. I was told by a fellow person living with MND that it is actually ok to be a hypochondriac! Rather like maintaining a car, I could be considered an old classic British vehicle with serious rust (that’s the MND) and I need to check the water pump, brake pads, battery etc. It’s worth doing kids! Let’s see what the results are.
A wee sample is required. Now where’s my
Bragg’s Urine Sample/fitness drink container?
(From the Bragg’s Environmental/Waste not want not range).
What a guy!
Same time next week, readers.