Calling Dr Bragg, Come in Dr Bragg…

Dr Bragg!! Who is he?

A new type of Doctor; a doctor of all, a doctor of medicine, feelings, music, life and all things important.

This week, into his world we tumble and venture. Shall we jump?…..yes let’s jump NOW!! But first, take a good mouthful of Bragg’s Potion 26………….

…….and we are at the top of a hill, on a mountain bike ride, dare you read on? dare you? Oh yes…..

Potion 26 is Dr Bragg’s ultimate cure-all remedy. Entirely stable up until 25 degrees Celsisus but above that and all bets are off! This week I drank some in this UK heatwave.

Everything has gone crazy and beautiful. Last Monday night, my dreams were immersed with the disabled life I now lead. There are now real life exploits, encompassing my slowness at travelling, planning, steps, slopes, walking with rollator etc. Then suddenly in my dream, after meeting friends, I turn and my rollator is gone!! Horror! I wake and all is well!

On Thursday last the Potion is still affecting our life as our old car passes it’s MOT, and our deepest fears are not realised. I take more Potion 26, as I don’t want this luck to end.

On Friday we travelled to Brighton with our son’s in-laws from South Africa. What a day. We enjoy the heat, Brighton delights, and soon decide that we should eat ASAP rather than wait for our planned 4pm meal. So we plan on a new venue, which shall remain nameless, for the reasons that will become obvious.

We approach “said” restaurant, which I had heard had recently opened. I speed up on my travelscoot, and bam! Two steps, a 90 degree turn and another 4 steps! The maître d’ gave me a look that could kill. She reluctantly indicated that they might have a ramp. Well, a ramp would do no good, as it would have to reach the other side of the road to have provided a run up!

Talking of run ups. Before having to use a scooter I always thought that a lot of people using scooters were a little, how can I say it, dangerous with them. However, since having to use one I need to explain why sometimes that may appear so!!

Yes this is a onein400 education moment!

When encountering, or observing a scooter coming towards you, perhaps say from a road crossing on to a pavement (walkway), always try and get the hell out of the way! Why? Well we scooterists have to look ahead for the “runoff” or “runon” of the move up the pavement. We have to approach at speed to ensure complete arrival (allowing for adverse cambers/or second camber) and also we should not stop, otherwise we will plummet backwards etc.

Get it?

Well if you don’t, don’t be around me, I just don’t care anymore, “I’m coming up” and open-toed sandals are a great target! Of course with my speech you won’t get an apology, just a look and a grunt!

In the meantime, back outside the unnamed Brighton restaurant, we were informed that there was no space. I think they may have been expressing a ‘Terminological inexactitude’ (a lie) as it was so obvious we were being discouraged. This is a posh scooter, do you know how much it cost? I can afford your “horses doovers!“ Won’t be frequenting there again, they have lost my custom! I won’t name them but any connoisseur of Brighton will know of a new major restaurant opening just North of the South Laines!

Hold on why not, it’s the Ivy! It made me unhappy that the owners had renovated the building, at I assume a cost of hundreds of thousands of pounds, and yet didn’t build in accessibility. Come on Ivy! Make a statement!

Fearing the potion must had worn off, I took another gulp from my Bragg’s travel flask. Suddenly we find a another great restaurant in the open air in East Street and enjoy a fabulous meal.

We then proceed to have a stupendous afternoon, me travelscooting up and down slopes with my family struggling to keep up with me (slackers).

On Sunday I decided to teach our South African relatives about  BBQing.

Desperate to show them that it is a daily event here, and the weather is, err, like this all the time, I put a jumper (jersey) on to show “that it ain’t that hot really”.

Fortunately, the endless drips of sweat made for a sizzling BBQ with just that right amount of smoke. I take another swig of potion 26. The chicken was cooked to perfection and the mixture of BBQ and English Chips from our local chippy make for a perfect end to the day.

Talking of South Africans, I boasted to the in-laws that Andre Van Braggzee had made his millions in their country with his patented Southern Hemisphere BBQ coals. He convinced a whole nation that they needed specially magnetically aligned south of the equator for perfect BBQing, or more regionally known as a Braai.

For any South Africans reading, you might be able to purchase Braggs’s coals from any good Traffic Light (robot) sales stall! Talking of traffic light salesmen and entertainers. When last in Johannesburg I was being driven by our daughter-in-laws father when we stopped at a robot. In front of us was a man, how can I say it, dressed like the voo-doo man in the James Bond film “Live and Let Die” dancing right in front of the bonnet! Eric was calm, whilst I hid in the Glove box!! We don’t get that in Hampshire! He could have been selling Potion 26!

The potion is addictive, I take more. Life is great. The weather appears to be encouraged by the medicine and it gets hotter and hotter. By the next Tuesday my eyeballs feel like they are melting and the dogs just collapse in the shade by the back door.

I stop taking potion 26, days become mundane with only our dog sicking up a chew to excite me! Mind you bending down to clean it up is a real struggle, balancing between a table and a chair to ensure an exit is possible. Using kitchen roll, I delicately, but not flawlessly, grab a chunk of the “ick”, and reach for another piece of towel. Placing the ball of mess, dripping down my arm on the table, I then proceed to stand. Successful!! I deposit it in the bin, and banality returns.

A day of further mundaneness proceeds, with only my patented method of taking pills to excite me. Method of taking pills Lee? Well it ain’t much really but hey it’s a handy tip. You are always given water with pills yes? Well that’s really runny with hard pills. I use milk, it just makes it easier. Now some of you might say, “You are not supposed to do this as it may affect drug absorption”. Well I have found NO real evidence of that for the pills I take.

Suddenly, I am not only boring you, my readers, but even myself!

So I order some more potion 26 on Amazon, Prime delivery. The rest of the day is uneventful, aside Germany getting knocked out of the World Cup. Even this event barely makes me snigger. They make good cars after all, don’t they?

The new potion supplies arrive, and the heat rises again to 28 degrees! I take regular sips on Wednesday.

Later that day, we are invited by a friend to see a Pink Floyd tribute band on Thursday night. I take more potion 26, to get in the mood. Worried that such a band could not live up to the real thing which I last saw live in 1981, we were all staggeringly surprised by the amazing quality of the band. A stage show right up at the level of the real thing, and in little old Petersfield!! The potion was working. Life was rocking. England lost to Belgium, who cares? Have you been to Belgium? Mind you, we might meet them again in the final!

I was concerned about my taking my rollator to the concert as it was all standing. As it turned out, loads of people just grabbed chairs, and the audience of 500, with a combined age 4 Million, enjoyed a world class concert for just £15 each. Having seen many big bands, I can honestly say this was one of the best concerts I have ever seen anywhere. And all for £65 less than seeing that modern artist I constantly have a go at in recent posts! That’s a concert and pizzas for a couple for the price of one of his tickets!

I must go as Lord Bragg is calling. He needs advice as Bragg’s Bikinis have had a huge personal data breach, combined with a serious materials failure……… I wish he would be a bit more careful! He’s having to send out loads of replacements to beaches!

Until next time readers, and make sure you get plenty of Potion 26 in ready for the next England World Cup game against Columbia! We need Bragg’s influence!