A Very British Lockdown – Part 2 – “The plane, Mr Rourke. The plane!”

Good day, readers! As the lockdown slackens here in the UK, we are all using our common sense and continuing to play safe. However, our cookery books are now totally and utterly exhausted (quite badly turmeric stained!) and so we all need a timely Onein300 post to bring us back to stark, ironic reality!

Today’s guff was inspired by the 1970’s TV Series, Fantasy Island. The image of a lone jet taken through our quarantine ‘sealed’ kitchen skylights started to make me think. Where was it going? Was it to some remote paradise?…..Lets all go there, if only, for just a brief while, breaking our confinement!

Fantasy Island was an absolutely glorious piece of totally wholesome, wholemeal, naturally organic, televisual family entertainment. It was incidentally, recently made afresh into one of those modern day ‘B’ movies (Z quality really!) with actors you have never heard of! But the original production, starring Ricardo Montalban, was a weekly treat that I eagerly looked forward to as a child. It was throughly un-politically correct compared to today’s rather prudish standards. For those who cannot remember, haven’t sadly seen the series or were not born at the time (lame excuse, that), it was rather like the futuristic Westworld, but with bikinis!

Director – “Ok, Ricardo – you welcome the guests to the Island…, Action”

Ricardo “Weeeeelcome to Fantasy Island!”

Director – “Cue random ladies,,, Action!”

However, beneath the beautiful glossy veneer of the capped white teeth of the actors and actresses, opening shots and idyllic island of Hawaii, the show’s premise was really very dark! A guest would live out a single life fantasy for, the then, huge sum of $50,000. Many of the stories put the unsuspecting clients in positions where, although they actually were able to enact their fantasy when faced with it, events either turned very dark or it wasn’t quite what it seemed!

Careful what you wish for!

An uneasy calm has descended upon the UK. Well, at least here in the onein300 household. I am beginning to think that this emergency was a government plan to get those odd jobs completed around everyone’s households that partners had been moaning to their loved ones about for many many years! Certainly a load of filler, paint and white spirit etc I suspect has been used nationally. And that is just for the cooking!

In our dwelling I have become particularly adept at dismantling, servicing and completely reassembling Dyson vacuum cleaners! This is something I am still able to do, as long as I am sitting carefully. My hand dexterity is still good enough. And readers, everything was put back together without having any washers, screws, or other bits left over and not knowing where they went! Spooky!

Fantasy Island – onein300 style – Repairs that completely work!

In my fantasy world, I would relish even more vintage television to return to help us through the remainder of the lockdown. Thinking back in time, there are so many great programs. I do find it rather ironic that in my youth (err in 19 something or other) we were all watching such shows as the glorious Miss WorldMiss World with its delightful “Final 7” contestant interviews. These somewhat charming mid-show chats, were always conducted in swimwear! And yet in the very same era, we also watched, often as a family, heavy weight boxing regularly on prime time TV! Now, over 30 years later we are sadly beauty free, but still, beating the skulls of our fellow humans to a pulp is seen as totally acceptable in 2020!

However, through the magic of youtube, we can still actually relive this fantasy of programs long lost, including those Miss World Clips from the 1970s!

One can only observe this today with awe and fascination. The questions Michael Aspel asked – he’s the one not in swimwear by the way – were breathtaking! I used to use better chat up lines after a few shandies! Enjoy.

It was long rumoured that Lord Lee Bragg was once in the running to be a Miss World host, but he was found to be too prudish!! Surprised? I was!

So returning from Fantasy Island before I am questioned by the “Thought Police” for a breach of lockdown, I must leave you because as Lord Bragg needs assistance with one of his new business initiatives. It does sound a bit fantastical though. I was just commenting to him how difficult it is to water the garden with long dangling hosepipes everywhere. So he is now working on a pipeless watering system! What a guy!

Back soon, readers.