Good day! In these continuing days of historical proportions we all need to take a deep breath and remain sane. We need that bit of support, perhaps? Fear not! Doctors and therapists, both locally and internationally, are now recommending the reading of my blog, at least once a week, to assist in mental health!

So let’s dive through the U-Bend, firmly attaching your nose clips and keeping your mouth closed!

Welcome!

Welcome to the other side of the U-Bend! Onein300’s life.

In this mysterious new norm that I inhabit, one thing that is a new daily truth is that I, onein300, am not able to do the ‘man about the house’ tasks in the way I used to.

What do you mean, Lee?

I will give you a pertinent example. Only recently the toilet seat in our bathroom had became slightly loose. In the good old days yours truly would be lying on the floor, head under that U-Bend and tightening the wing nut whilst chomping a bacon butty and licking my fingers clean of tomato sauce!! Although I can still get on the ground and attempt the said tightening, I would have to be towed out of that position with grappling ropes, winches and a crane! So, it now falls to Jean to complete such jobs, but obviously with delicate and encouraging advice delivered in the form of a constant commentary (annoying criticism apparently) from me!

On being told that she would have to do this unsightly job, and obviously being fearsome of what she might come face to face with at the rear end of a loo, Jean was not highly enthused to get on with it! But unbeknown to us both, technology had come to our rescue. How? Well, readers it was in the form of top mounting loo seats! I didn’t know these things existed, and was unaware that the new one fitted as part of our wet room creation was one. Basically, the seat can be removed from the top, and the base secured again, if loose, all from the aromatic comfort of the upper atmosphere! Genius! 

Having avoided swimming in goodness knows what, Jean completed the task and then proceeded to grind some coffee with our rather noisy (needs a repair?) electric grinder. I sometimes think though Jean only does it to avoid understanding my garbled speech!

After we had made the coffee, and still having not got what I wanted to say over to Jean, we moved into the living room to work on that 1000 piece puzzle given to us by my mum as a Christmas gift.

Puzzles are great, and once started, completion is a matter of national and village pride.

They are so addictive, and so much so that I was found screaming by Jean at the same piece of ***** blue sky after she returned from yoga! I can feel a puzzle murder coming on in a gritty Norwegian winter crime thriller starring Stig Bragg (a distant cousin of Lord Bragg) who diembowels his lover after she revealed she had hidden the missing piece of the fjord puzzle in the jar of Elk (Moose) scratchings!

Next puzzle please!

Life under lockdown is tough, and always challenging. Things appeared to be getting even worse last week when I ventured into the kitchen and I thought that the lights were not so bright. In fact, so much so that I thought my eyes were going! At my age, things are failing daily folks, so it wouldn’t be unexpected,

Fear not, sturdy readers. The next night, one of the spot lights started to ‘flash/flicker’ indicating it was about to go (LED bulbs do that). Pop! It expired and went to meet its maker! My vision wasn’t going, phew. It was a hyper-sensitive detection of an event to come. Perhaps I have a super power instead!? Mr ‘Sensitivo!’

Mr sensitive I may be, but I am also Mr Grrrh. I do growl a lot, a bit like a demented werewolf. But why? No it’s not me going mental, but sheer frustration. If I ever drop something, which everyone one of us does, the effort it takes to retrieve is immense and annoying. Jean always shouts at me for growling! She is nasty like that! Only joking folks, it really upsets her.

Despite these troubled times we are fortunate to live with the modern digital world and mucho movies etc to watch. Thank goodness this pandemic didn’t happen when I was young, with only 3 live TV channels and no remote control! But I must warn you of, or perhaps actually recommend, the following film.

Tailgate is a Dutch film that focuses on road rage and just why we should just ‘turn the other cheek’. Well, I certainly won’t tailgate the director and writer of this horrific film! Watch if you are feeling near the edge. This is what public information films should all be like!

Ok, readers, time for me to return to the other side of the U-Bend for a much needed and pressing visit! See you all again soon.

My next planned post is provisionally titled

”If it wasn’t for this pesky darn pandemic……”