Hi, readers! Another few weeks in onein400 land have passed. I apologise for the recent ‘radio silence’. The good weather and organised chaos have kept me from quill and ink!
But now I am back! Settle down with your last remaining Easter eggs (some half price ones are still available in the stores!), enjoy another bank holiday, get mucky fingers, soil the sofa (Couch for my American friends) with chocolate and get blamed for the mess!
Rules not rulers, Lee!
Mind you, the ruler on my featured photo is one of those posh “Shatterproof” examples. When I was a schoolboy these were the height of wealth! Those pupils with wooden ones (often snapped by bullies), just looked on in awe! It was the iPhone X of its time!! Yes youngsters, life was shit then, or was it?
Rules, rules, rules……. They play a role in all of our lives.
For example, with my poor mobility I rarely make any movements without my trusty rollator. I only attempt independent walking with a stick across small areas with firm grabable items, such as chairs, tables, walls or attractive ladies!
One thing which that I certainly didn’t realise before MND is why people with mobility challenges are even slower when there are other folk close by. However, today anyone in my space can be a potential death threat for all involved. If someone was to move into my next planned, and highly choreographed planted footstep, I simply cannot adapt quickly and safely enough and so a potential fall ensues.
I often can now be heard saying the rather terse phrase….
“Don’t move!” whenever I approach…
Another of my ongoing rule changes to moving around the house is the art of re-relocating items in addition to my own body. Anything bigger than a glove has to go onto my rollator, or someone else has to carry it!
Let me explain. My typical morning routine involves getting up, washing and a gentle yoga regime. I never miss this (a firm rule) and generally do it folks, in nothing but my pants! – Underwear for my American friends.
“Calm down, ladies!”
I know this could be a rather titillating and rather hot flush moment for some of you. Signed, posed, photos are available, at a cost!
I digress further!
Back to the floor. I perform my “moves”, which involve stretching, balance and a range of mobility exercises for about 15 minutes with only the occasional dog walking over my face! Although nothing can stop the relentless progress of MND, I am now more than ever totally convinced that such a regime can slow things down, or to be more precise, keep what you have working as well as can be expected. I recently read an interview with the great adventurer, Ranulph Fiennes, who has a similar morning routine, without which he says he can’t move at all!
But I digress yet again! Get back to the post, Lee!
I’ve noticed something else last week. I actually have voice interpreters!!
“Oh look at you, Sir Lee!”
Those who have learnt my changing voice tones now sub-consciously help me in unusual situations. I will give an example to demonstrate this amazing new discovery!
Just the other day, whilst in the living room, I heard a crash that sounded like one car hitting another. I leapt (crawled) to my rollator and walked (wheeled) to the front door. On opening, I noticed my neighbour was already out observing and a lady nearby directed a question to me as to whether a particular parked car was mine. I said…
“No not twat won”
She looked confused, perhaps slightly insulted! My neighbour, familiar with my dulcet, yet generally charming tones, repeated what I had said, but in clear plain English!!! She did it without blinking!
During the recent Easter break, I got thinking, as probably a lot of my sane readers do…
“What the F is going on in today’s world?”
Yes I am getting older, so some of it could be put down to age cynicism. But you all know that I am a huge technologist, have always been “young at heart” and taken a glass half full approach to life. I do actually believe society may have had some serious damage inflicted on it by social media and other aspects of modern existence.
What is there to do? What is the ultimate solution?
I believe a whole generation (or more) could benefit from spending some moments in the 1970s when I grew up!
Yes the 1970s…….. Memories!
Don’t get me wrong. There were just as many stupid people around then, but they didn’t have social media to help spread their ill thought out Comments. In the 1970s such people would have frequented the quiet corners of pubs, dark alleyways or the marginal sides of lecture theatres. All alone.
“Lee, I get it. Just how do I experience this wondrous, exciting and yet edgy time you speak of?”
Great question! As ever a solution is available that will whisk you back to the good old days in but a mere smidge of time, and all made possible by modern technology.
Just the other day, I enjoyed an episode, on catchup television, of the Sweeney, a great gritty Police drama in made in the 1970s starring the famous British actors John Thaw and Dennis Waterman.
Watching just these 40 short minutes of life in the 1970s is scientifically proven to give a man back the full vocabulary that every red-blooded male is born with, but has, sadly, been stripped of in the modern era.
”Don’t get many of those to the pound!”
Was one of Dennis Waterman’s well crafted, eloquent, and scripted lines on observing a charming lady with a rather dubious criminal!
It did remind me of when I was younger and was working in a Burger restaurant (a Wimpy). My shift ended at 10pm. One night I wanted to be home in time to watch the Sweeney at 10.30pm. This was in the days before video recorders and on-demand TV. If you missed something, you missed it! Yes, it was a real downer!
I was driving back, but needed to drop off a colleague at her home. I was very concerned about the sheer amount of time it would take me to get to her house as I would have to take a long way round because of it’s particular location. When I got close by, she advised me that I could save considerable time by driving down a one-way street the wrong-way!!! Break the rules! Ok, it was late at night, dark and no one would notice surely!? So I did it!
I sped down the road and stopped outside her home.
All of a sudden, a Police car screeched to a halt by my side and the very kind officer informed me of my rather idiotic mistake. I was only 17 and as he looked at me, it was instantly apparent that I wasn’t a wrong–un, and let me off with a stern word or two!
Proper evidence-based policing!
This was very fortunate as I was about to give my excuse for speeding and driving in the wrong direction as
“I wanted to get home to watch the real Police!!”
That might not have gone down well! But in those days, who knows!? I might have just got slapped about a bit, but I certainly wouldn’t have done it again! – “Honest Guv”.
Back to the present readers and our modern first world calamities and day-to-day activity.
A major issue in the onein400 household occurred!
”Tell us all about it, Lee”
Our big colander broke (a leg fell off!). Yes serious stuff! But unlike the 1970s, there was no need for me to leave the house, drive, park and pollute the environment. I just ordered one on Amazon. Excitement!
I did have to abide to some real rules last week as I needed a series of blood tests for a heart checkup. I was instructed to fast from 9pm the night before until after the blood tests the next morning. To prepare for this event, I enjoyed my early evening meal, digested my dessert and devoured the regulation chocolates!
Onein400 was then forced to survive on water, toothpaste and Gaviscon for the next 13 hours! There is only so much toothpaste you can eat folks without puking, I can tell you!
Great news was to come. Once the tests were complete, and through the marvels of the Internet the results were rapidly available by the next morning! Immediately I messaged Jean, the update.
I must now draw this post to an end as I am having a 1970s dream……. it’s great…..Charlie’s Angels!
Oooh, that reminds me, make sure you enjoy some fine Hot Lord Bragg’s Buns! He has loads left over after Easter! I used one for my burger!
It doesn’t get much better than this…..
Before I do actually leave you for this week, Jean has convinced me that as there is very little spiritual enlightenment to be had from tracking colander deliveries on Amazon we should have a few days away to refresh the soul!! I reluctantly agreed!
Back soon with a new research post on the subject of placebo testing, and why it is still sadly needed, and of course, some usual fare of my onein400 life!